Don't Fuck With My Gurl

Today I got word that some chics on the internet is hating on one of my gurls. Well of course my hot ass got on her defense team real fast and I was ready to curse a few of those phoney ass wannabe's out. But I was like nawh somebody is going to slip up in a few days then say some stupid ass shit. Then they will finally meet the real Bonita, Not Bonita Jacobs, but Bonita Cortez that bitch that would kick ass if you said the wrong words to me. Don't fuck with my peeps that's all I have to say. They pretend to like me but tell everyone else a bunch of stupid ass shit that doesn't add up, get a fuckin life because mines will go on. So If you don't like me let me know, and I will stand clear of your ass.......Bo

Loving My Sisters

Cecilia is the same age that I am wish is weird because we are not twins, not at all. But today she calls me to tell me that I was on her mind all last night. She dreamt that I was having complications with Niala's arrival. I assured her that all is well even though Niala has really been showing off the past 24 hours. I am in pain now and it was discomforting at work today and it hasn't stop yet. But anyway Cecilia called me and that made my day. Why? because we really don't talk at all and she took the time to call me and say hey "Sis whats up? I felt good afterwards. We did not argue, no negativity was released either. I was loving my Sisters today. We even did a 3 way call with Carmen too. Carmen is my big sister, she always got my back but now Cecilia is becoming a real Sister to me...and that made me feel good................Bo

Searching for an exit

There's something uncomfortable about tunnels Some days I drive thru them and all is well.But on days when I am distracted by dramaand up to my nose in other people bullshit tunnels have a way of never ending. I am trying so hard to be drama free but people are throwing tainted darts at me and expect for me to smile at them in return,I see tunnels as a metaphor for my problems as if there was no ending to this bullshit. Like I'm running thru this tunnel sweating excessively because I can't find an exit to my troubles. Like drama the thought of an never ending tunnel can drive a sister batty. One night while I was driving home thrue the tunnel I broke out in a sweat, I was having a freaked out panic attack because the tunnel was taking too long to end, plus I was gunning on 55 in a 45 mph lane. Trying hard to find my exit and relieve my self of my problems...until the next time......

She Tease

She tease
Yet she hide behind words,
making you read between lines
to get on the same page that she's on

She tease,
Yet she crave to touch and be touched by you.
Waiting for you to reach into the depths of her soul
Looking, searching for a connection.

Yet she tease,
hiding behind sexual innuendos and sensuous words
making you want to know what she's all about.
Thinking, dreaming, creaming to be a part of her world
Still she tease.............this is another one for you

Bonita Helena Jacobs 072505

Forgive Me Father

If I was to make a list
of all the bad things I did
Would God forgive me
because of the way I lived

Dear Merciful God forgive
me for I have sinned;
If I knew what I know now
I would not have done what I did back then.

One thousand Hail Mary's
Would not have saved my soul;
As long as I embraced the things
that I should let go.

Like God's love rein on me,
There has to be a better way;
Now that I'm older now I feel
relieved when I pray.

In the name of Jesus, son of our merciful God
forgive me for I have sinned;
And if I can repent I will never take that path again.

Bonita H. Jacobs 072505

Lost Souls

I lost another friend today;
It surprised me when I heard death past her way.
We all thought she was doing well;
But now we know that you can't really tell.

For many months she complained of many things
Yet know one seem to recognize her pain or screams.
She keep most of it too herself, even though she could
not handle the cards she was dealt.

She let her inner demons take control;
Until she came to realize they stole her soul.
She start believing there was nothing left;
To everyone surprise she shot herself to death.

Rest In Peace Claudia Sampson..................Bonita 072305

He Needs To Be Loved

Sometimes I look at him and can't
believe that he is my child;
Some days I think he don't need me
and he can raise himself.

I remember years back when he yelled that he hated me
I understood that it was anger but still those words hurt me.
I provided for him everyday, regardless what some people say
Fed him, clothe him and taught him well;
yet something was still missing and I could tell.

Because he needs to be loved and I need him to love me,

I went through all sorts of crazy things to keep a roof over our head;
And on some occasions, I did not make it home to see him to bed.
Then Julio only helped me when ever I had to force him too.
As long as I was sexing him the money flow continued.

I know that it made me look like a whore,
but at the time I didn't give a damn anymore,
I had a son that needed me.
I was always there for Roddie,

Because he needs to be loved and I need him to love me,

Sometimes we can go days with out a single word to say
But deep down inside I know that he loves me
I tried not to hide our divided wall,
I want him to know that I will give him my all.

When I'm alone I sit and cry because I think that I failed him
Then he comes home and join me by my side and said what you doin.
He kisses me on my cheek and say Mom you are so beautiful
I turn my head to wipe the tears from my eyes because I don't want him to know.

Because he needs to be loved and I need him to love me.............072105

Somebody Watching You

A few weeks ago I blogged about Herald Fishbird, the security guard who takes photos of women passing by his post/station. Well on monday after being away from work for almost a month I recieved emailed photo of me taking with some type of minimal pixel camera. On this occassion it was emailed via a cell phone with no name attached...whoever they are they were in the halls of the waiting area.........Makes a chica wonder...........Bo

I Crave Me Some Him

He's like my morning coffee
He puts a pep in my step
He puts a smile on my face
leaving me fulfilled and wet.

He like that afternoon meal
That gets me thru the day;
Feeding all my cravings
in so many ways.

He's like that midnight snack
he's my special treat.
Giving me just enough pleasure
to rock me to sleep. 072105

Trouble In Paradise

People step to me asking
was their trouble in paradise
So I said nawh everything is alright,
aint no drama in my married life
You see we use feng shui
so my home is in harmony
There is no conflict between Malik & me.
Even though we had occasions
where thing didn't look blissfully
We get along well with Niala and Roddie,
So I had to ask who said
that and she answered somebody;
Well it's obvious that
somebody does not know me.
Or they would not be
asking crap with no degree.
If they want answers why
don't they just ask me.
It's a shame how some
people feed on drama
So they prance around starting shit;
Dropping lies wherever they sit it fit.
And to top it off people are eager to believe it.....for real yall......Boney

Strictly Poetry

You can take me out of context,
As long as you continue to give
respect in the beliefs I hold in me.

You can claim not to feel the same as I do
yet my words will remain as they were
inspired to,I write for expression not fame.

You can sell a million books or more,
stock the shelves of Barnes & Noble store;
Yet it has no substance, so why are you bragging.

A poet is like a free spirit,
they write what's on their mind
Sometimes you might not understand it,
but to them it was important at that time.

You can read my words and make comments,
you can misunderstand and reply with a vent
But it's Strictly Poetry,a gift that's heaven sent.

Pressure

The pressure of failed love
carved deep indentations in my life
Sometimes the pain hits me in
the middle of the night

Then I meet someone
who wants to treat me right
That same pressure returns to
resume it's flight

Sometimes that pressure
makes me feel inadequate
as if I wasn't meant to endure true love.
So I tend to magnetize myself towards bullshit
Since the real love I was not worthy of.

After so many shares of unworthy affairs
I wonder if I can handle a one on one;
On most nights I am tempted, I may flirt
a little bit but I know when the line is drawn.

I want to prove to myself that I am capable
of being loved and that he needs to understand.
It is a must for him to know that for no one else my heart glows
he is forever loved, because he is my man.

Conversations With God

Today Ros and I had a lunch date. Just in case you don't know she works for the Maryland School Of The Blind. While I was there I met two of her pupils Tayvon & Cameron. Cameron is what Nettie calls a bopper. He wobbles his head a little so he has to stay in a harness. Tayvon is cool unlike Cameron he can talk very well. I questioned my tolerance to be able to handle children with disabilities. Then my past resurfaced I was a straight up weedhead, courtesy of Julio but thats another story. I thought about Niala having some type of physical limitations but of course Ya Ya told me that I should be okay because I didn't toke every night. Plus I stopped as soon as I became pregnant last summer. But as I was saying Cameron and Tayvon laughed to themselves sporadically. It nerved me so I asked Ros does it bother her when they laugh out like that and she answered. "It's all good he just told them another joke" "Who I ask?" These boys are having a private conversation with GOD, she answered..............I was like wow I never thought of it that why. But I remembered in a poem Ros wrote asking why newborn babies smile. They might also be having conversations with GOD..............Bonita

In My Dreams

Last night you appeared in my dreams I was wet, you were hungry, it was a memorable scene. You kissed me with open lips as your hands held onto my face. I deepen my tongue into your mouth until I acquired your taste buds. With every single touch you took me to the edge of the most purest ecstasy. I wanted nothing more but for you to please me. The effloresce of my orgasms were your nisus, leaving me in a stage of euphoria as you mount the sulcus of my womanhood. The unattainable pleasure emersed like never before. My body became haptic. We became emulous to each other. In need to please yet yearning to out do each other. I lay there weak and exhausted letting you win this marvelous battle.........this is for you..and you know who you are....Bonita

Absolutely Nothing!

Nothing Can get in my way
Nothing can stop me today
Nothing will no longer have their say
Nothing will make me stay
Nothing is an option today

Nothing can hurt me now
Nothing will bring me down
Nothing will make me frown
Nothing in this town

Nothing will make me cry
Nothing good about goodbye
Nothing can change a lie
Nothing will ever try

Absolutely Nothing

Bonita 071205

Today's Thought:Gotta Find My Corner

I am a music buff and my mind is far more advanced then an i-pod, because I know my shit and music has always been my sanctuary (Gary Bartz). But anyho back to my thought. When I was young my get away toy was a radio. Whenever I felt the need to get away from my family I turned the radio on. I remember a song by the Jackson 5, it was titled "Corner In The Sky" Back then I could not understand the meaning of the song. But today I live that song. We all want our own thing, our own corner where we can let our hair down and no one would speak ill of us because everybody knows our name. Plus they are no different then we are anyway. They have the same woe's and the same highs as everyone else. So who are they to say we do not fit in.There was a verse in the song that stuck to me all my life, "Cats sit on the window seal, childrens sit in the snow, so why don't I fit in everywhere I go" When I was young I felt lost, I never completely fit in, Even as an adult when people thought I was in their "Clique" I was still lost. But I believe that I finally found my corner in the sky..........................Boney

Fighting Private Wars

Back in the day when I was too young to see
I played games, but I did not keep score
Some nights I was in shit knee deep
A few times I knocked on the devil's door.

On bad nights I drank myself to sleep
Because I didn't like myself any more
I slept around, meeting my share of creeps,
I was living on the edge, yet seeking more.

everyone knew me from around the way;
Some might even call me a whore.
I'm a lady so I was discreet and what I do or say,
Since I am not well known on the streets of Baltimore

I continued until that lifestyle bothered me
It began to eat me to the core;
I knew something's needed to be change or defeat.
I was fighting my own private war.

Bonita 071105

Pretty Bird, Pretty Bird, Niala's Song

This morning I sang to Niala and she responded. She's currently in the kicking stage. Sometimes that can be so uncomfortable but she is life waiting to evolve. Giving life is a beautiful thing. As a mother it's even more precious since we witness the entire process. The growing and the learning years.

Sometimes I wonder who would Niala resemble.. Would she have my silly pointed nose? Or Malik's beautiful brown eyes? Would she inherit my temper. What puzzles me the most is would Niala accept me, love me and be proud that I am her mother. Modern television has this image of today's Mother/Daughter relationships. Mothers appear to be too dorky (Roddie's favorite work) overly condescending. I don't want to be like that. I want to be there for her when ever she needs me to be. I'm not going to pretend to be her best friend and have one of those too close relationships because they don't work all the time. I just want to be the best damn Mother I could ever be to my daughter. Loving & providing for her one day at a time.

Happy Birthday Ya Ya

Through out my life I had the opportunity to meet some of the most intriqing people. Malik and Moon (Luna) to name a few. But there was one that stands out. When I first met Luna years ago all she said was Nettie this and Nettie that and it drove me batty. So when I first met Nettie I didn't like her because everyone else did and she talks about shit that confusses people and most importantly I didn't like her because she was right....But she was different...and we clinged to her so fast that she became our Yeyo, a Ya Ya that's what we call her sometimes. She is known by many names to many people , if you are close to her she's Nettie, if you are still getting to know her she's Ros or Roslyn and some from back in the day still call her Annette. She doesn't know it but she's a mentor to me, maybe even more then she was to Luna. I copy her writing style, her love for music from cllassical to African music. I hoping to be graced with her knowledge and her wisdom. She's the type of Sister that will share a thought or something informative with everyone that she comes across. The type that even if you only met her once you will never forget her because she will tell you something that you will never forget. When I first read her poetry I was like damn she good and I wanted to do it in that same style. Here's one of her poems.

If All In Love Is Fair

If all in love is fair and it's not just a silly game
Why is it not shared by all, or does popularity holds it's claim.
Why does he who wants so badly to be loved, sits waiting patiently,
Yet those who are careless of ones feelings, flock around freely.
So if all in love is fair, yet those who are in love is but a few,
It is our beliefs that the others are still in search of true love,
have been taunted, betrayed and fooled.
Therefor if all in love is fair, love is for more then just a silly game;
It's an embeded thought, an emotion, a way of life,
it's what makes your daily life sane.
Roslyn Annette Nichols

Not One Tear

It's been 12 years since I stepped foot into St. Michael's Catholic Church. Father Chuck was still around I remember the last time I was here. Julio and I were attending to marriage counseling because he wanted to fuck around and Father Chuck said there was nothing wrong with a man desiring other women as long as he can provide for them.... Well if you don't know me by now...let me tell ya what happened back then. I said to Father Chuck "You lost your motherfucking mind if you think I'm going to stay married to a whore, fuck Julio and this church" I walked out pregnant and hotheaded. I left Julio and St. Michael's that day and I've been away every since.

Now I'm here for his last call and I can not shed one tear. I looked around at all this crazy chics crying over him knowing that he made babies faster then the energizer bunny. Guess what today I found out that he fathered eight children. Geez Father Chuck I wonder if he could finance them all. But that's not my problem, right?. I married the damn man and all these women are crying over him. Sheila and the other four women looked at me as if I had something to say but I didn't. Some people think that you should not speak ill of the dead. But my mind was racing with more like if I don't have a positive thought keep my mouth shut. But I did have one positive thing to say about Julio. He helped me create Rodrigo. And now I looked down at Roddie hoping and praying that he was not going to ask me why all these women are crying over my Papa. Every time some one spoke of Juio, they cried out and Roddie looks up at me searching for answers. All I could tell him was she was one of Julio's friends and Roddie answered "Oh".

At the burial ground I was asked to placed a rose on his casket. I did it but my stomach knotted up because of fear. 14 years of bullshit build up inside me, tied in knots, causing me not to shed one tear................ Julio when you needed it lease, I cried for you..............Bonita

Bonita's Thoughts.......

Once I say it
It's been said
and if you can't hear it
It can be read
You can not conceive my thoughts.......

If you feel it,
We are on the same page
I am not dramatic
because I carry no stage
You can not retrieve my thoughts......

It's no secret..
I try to keep it real;
Even though some folks
don't agree with what I feel.
You can not delete my thoughts...........Bonita

Blaw, blaw blaw, blaw blaw...................Boney

I'm Home Now

Call me crazy but as soon as Shelia called to tell me that Julio died. I looked straight at Roddie and a thought flashed before me. Cecereo dead, now Julio is dead, oh my god Niala is not going to live. That's when I fainted.

I awaken to Malik starring up at me with bloodshot eyes. He was crying but of course he would not admit it. I asked him about the kids. I have this crazy habit of speaking of Niala as if she's been born already. But he assured me that all was well. Luna took Roddie home since it was getting late and I'm glad that Franklin Square Hospital let Malik stay a few hours longer. Since they are known for being strict.

I found out that my Sisters were in town, surprise to hear that Lolita came along also. When I woke up Sunday morning Carmen & Cecilia were in the room. Carmen was happy (she said that she's in love) and Cecilia looked 20lbs lighter. Cecilia and I don't talk much because she can be judgemental like her mother(Lo) but Carmen is my gurl. Lo was there too, she purposely came in later sipping on a cup of coffee. First thing she said was "I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up" (that's her way of saying hi) She told me that life must be good because everyone is gaining weight. I wanted to say BITCH I'm pregnant but for the first time Cecilia cut in.

Later on Luna stopped by with Roddie and she brought me a box of Godiva truffles,my favorite, almost as good as sex. Even Luna said "if you can't have sex you might as well eat some chocolate" Roddie cried when he saw me and me and my emotionally wrecked self cried with him. It's amazing but he and Julio were going to Six Flags tonight now Roddie is going to his father's funeral.

Last night when I was alone I cried for Julio, not because I love him, because that's not true. I cried because he lived his life wrong. He made too many bad choices. Two months ago I told him that he need to stop messing around with those crazy chica's. Do you know how he answered me? Sure as soon as I leave Malik and come back to him. But he knew that it wasn't going to happen...........................Boney

My Kitty

When I first met my kitty I was only a little girl
I had no titties and my hair was long with kinky curls,
I touched it by mistake and it made me purr.
I was only a lii ditty so I had no fur,
Every night i laid in bed and stroked my kitty until I feel asleep.
One night Cecilia caught me when she peeped under the sheets...
She told Lolita what I did and Lo called me a nasty dirty ho.
Because a kitty is a secret place that lil girls should never go.
But I never liked Lolita so I continue to make my kitty purr.
I found out how to make it cream when I was older with newfound fur.
My kitty is older and his seen many lives and knows when to be played with
Since my kitty purrs at the tip of a tongue or the dip of a beautiful dick....it purrs, it screams, it convulse, it creams my sweet kitty is my closest friend.